Category Archives: Spirituality

My Imaged Self

“Selfy” pics are popular nowadays…Everyone loaded with cameras ready to take pictures of themselves. Today is my birthday and I decided to update my profile pic since I do use it for some sites and it’s been at least a couple years since I took a pic of myself. I got myself cleaned up, did my hair and makeup and started taking some Selfy pics.

It occurred to me how important these “selfy” pics must be to me. I took pics in different lightening, smiled, no smile, messed with my hair, deleted most of them. I was laughing at myself most of the time because I’m totally engrossed in this study of no-self and at the same time taking a pic of myself seems to be a very serious task.

I’m trying to get a picture of that person I “imagine” myself to be. No wonder it’s so hard to capture. I couldn’t quite get the camera to see the person that I have in my minds eye…that’s it exactly….she only exists in my minds eye…

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Filed under Absolute, Enlightenment, Nonduality, Seeker, self image, Spirituality

I’ve Had It…But Can’t Keep It

It’s been a long time since I have posted anything here.  I know that I’m supposed to be a retired seeker but I fell off the wagon and have been obsessed with reading, listening to videos, seeking for something that is almost within my grasp. These spiritual binges usually start when I come across a spiritual teacher who resonates with me at this particular time and seems to be transmitting exactly what I need to hear.  I keep reading and listening because the missing piece that I need to keep this spiritual light glowing might just be in the next book or video.

Most seekers know the old “I’ve had it – but can’t keep it” feeling so the goal is to find the missing piece of the puzzle that tells you how to keep it so there will be an end to seeking and living in a state of bliss will be your norm.  That’s just it, seeking with a goal in mind….seeking with an urgency that something else is about to dawn and everything will be cleared up once and for all.

So after almost two months, I realize that the addicted seeker is still alive and active.  The addicted seeker is always seeking a different experience than what is happening right now.  Don’t get me wrong….I love seeking for Truth and love the way it makes me feel and experience life but now I can see the difference between an addicted seeker and a lover of Truth with more clarity.

The addicted seeker is driven by the desire to re-experience the pleasure achieved through a spiritual experience similar to any addict wanting to have another pleasurable experience. A lover of Truth is not driven to find some missing link that will keep the enlightened state active. A lover of Truth is not looking for anything…only experiencing.

The experience of “I’ve got it and I lost it” is a very, very valuable experience for the spiritual seeker……..But after living this I-got-it-I-lost-it swing, eventually that me stops believing its own delusion.  Something starts to see through it, recognizing that this isn’t freedom………Always waiting for the next experience is bondage.” ~ Adyashanti

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The Call…

There is a birdhouse on my patio that contained four baby sparrows. Three left the nest and I missed their exit. Now there is one all alone in the house and I’m determined to witness it leaving the nest.

The only way the loner knows there is something more outside is when it hears “The Call”.  This Call is different from any other bird call in the yard and I can recognize it even if I’m away from the patio.  The Call from the mother is relentless.   She gives the Call and then goes to the opening to feed it and repeats this routine most of the day so that the Call will be associated with something wonderful coming from the outside.  When the mother leaves for a while you can hear a faint calling coming from inside the box because now it’s known there is something wonderful outside of the box but the sparrow is not yet brave enough to venture out and find it.

This Call and response routine went on for two days.  At one time there was a community of at least ten sparrows flying up to the birdhouse trying to coax it outside. I’m ready to give up myself but have invested so much time now I don’t want to miss the finale.

Today I saw it venture out of  the box.  The young sparrow poked its head out of the hole and then back in again several times.  There were no other sparrows on the patio for guidance …the exit team had taken a break and everything was quiet. It looked out one more time but this time without any hesitation took a final leap, flew across the patio and into a nearby tree.  I saw at least twenty sparrows fly out of the tree a few seconds later and together they all flew to the next tree.  I couldn’t see the young sparrow in the distance but assume it is now flying in its new world outside the box.

Would the bird have taken the leap of faith without ever hearing the Call? Probably survival instincts would have eventually forced it out into the world but certainly it must be easier if the Call is heard and more importantly….if it is answered.

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Filed under Direct Experience, Nonduality, Spirituality, Zen

Upside Down…You’re Turnin’ Me

I had the basic concepts of most seekers on Oneness, Consciousness, Absolute, Awareness and thought I was moving along the Path, slowly but starting to get it. Now I realize that the ideas that formed those concepts of reality are outdated and a new paradigm has begun which is turning everything upside down and creating a shift in perception.

My old paradigm was…I’m here inside this body and the world and others are out there.  I accepted that because my belief was that the me inside was a fragment of the Absolute/Awareness/Consciousness and was safely contained in my body/mind and would show up now and then just to remind me where I came from.  My search was to find ways to call up that contained Awareness on demand because that was where happiness and peace resided….and that wonderful thing called enlightenment.

The new paradigm (which is still in progress) is …who I am is not contained inside this body/mind. Sounds like a simple statement and I have said that for years but still held the feeling of being a separate fragment or person.   In order to accept this new paradigm as Truth, more investigation into what I am “not” is needed…mainly not this person that seems to be contained in this body/mind. Just that simple investigation can turn everything upside down.  Better still is rolling around the notion that objects only “seem” to exist outside of awareness and that the observed and observer are one and the same.  My mind would like to make sense of that one but probably doesn’t have the capability and keeps trying to figure it out anyway….meanwhile my idea of reality is turning upside down.

This song started playing in my mind a few days ago as if I were singing it to the Absolute itself so I found the lyrics to “Upside Down, You’re Turnin’ Me” which sums up my feelings at this point.

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Filed under Absolute, Direct Experience, Direct Inquiry, Enlightenment, Mind, Nonduality, Reality, Seeker, Spirituality, Truth, Zen

Freedom….

Thinking of the word and concept of freedom today.  We fight for freedom and lives are lost for the sake of freedom. This holiday is all about our nation’s fight for freedom.

In my daily spiritual practice, the word freedom is used in almost everything I read or hear.  Freedom from the bondage of the separate self, freedom from suffering, freedom from nagging useless thoughts.

The meaning of freedom is “not being confined, exempt from external control or release from bondage“.  So the battle for freedom can be fought on two levels.  What is obvious is the battle for freedom in the external world.  Not so obvious is the internal battle that might be going on for many….except for those who are now engaged in or have been engaged in this battle.

I never really thought of it as a battle since spirituality is all about non-violence even though most spiritual writings use the metaphor of a battle to bring home the point.  The point being, if you really want freedom be prepared to give it your all and be brave because in the end you realize that the biggest battle of all …..is being able to surrender.

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Filed under Absolute, Enlightenment, Freedom, Nonduality, Pointers, Spirituality, Truth, Uncategorized, Zen

The Hidden Image in the Picture

I started this blog when I began the process of retiring from the search and I have to admit that over the last year there has still been more seeking than non-seeking going on. Nonduality has been my focus and naturally coming out of that is a different kind of seeking, the seeking of direct experience or direct inquiry.

I still hold the assumption that there is someone in here experiencing things and people out there.  I have accomplished being the witness of thoughts and things (most of the time) but now what is behind the witness has been my question.  Direct experience may be what will eventually replace the witness but letting the witness go is difficult and requires a shift in perception.

This shift in perception reminds me of  illusionary art called stereograms where a 3D image is hidden within a drawing and you can only see the hidden image if you learn to re-focus your gaze.  When you finally see it, it magically appears out of nothing.  Most instructions tell you not to focus on the picture but fix your gaze beyond it.   I was never good at finding the hidden images.

I recently reintroduced myself to the teachings of Francis Lucille which led me to again consider the Direct Path experiments by Greg Goode.  Maybe the timing is right to get down to some serious direct experience investigation so a few days ago I started the experiments which seem to be similar to learning to look through the illusion and see the hidden images.

The first experiment in the Direct Path involves the perception of hearing because it’s supposed to be the easiest.   During the experiment of ringing a bell, at first the sound still seems to be coming from the object of the bell and I can’t get past that.  Looking closer…since I am to use only the sense of hearing I just hear the sound without the interpreter telling me that the sound is coming from a bell.    Maybe that’s it…my direct experience is that hearing is just happening with or without the use of an interpreter.

One experiment down and 39 more to go….This could be intense but I’ll keep you posted.  If there is anyone else out there who has already been on this part of journey and the hidden image in the picture has appeared, please let me know.

There’s supposed to be a shark hidden in here somewhere…I can’t see it yet.

File:Stereogram Tut Random Dot Shark.png

Photo Credit: Wikipedia

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Filed under Direct Experience, Direct Inquiry, Enlightenment, Nonduality, Reality, Seeker, Spirituality, Thoughts, Truth, Zen

Nobody’s Mother

I always think of the women who are not mothers on Mother’s Day.  I was not a mother until I was 41 years old so I spent many a Mother’s Day helping others celebrate their motherhood.

Not having children didn’t bother me in my 20s, no need to hurry although some of my friends were beginning to join the motherhood group.  In my late 30s I began to realize that I may go through my life without children. I was once told that having children was a blessing and not having children was to live by grace.  I didn’t understand that at the time and thought it was an attempt to make me feel better about my perceived lack caused by not being a mother.

Having experienced both being a mother and many years not being a mother, I can say that motherhood may be a more direct path to realizing unconditional love. I was always searching for unconditional love and thought I’d experienced it a few times but now it’s evident that I didn’t have to search for it, it was given to me.  Whether you are a mother or not, unconditional love is a gift.  You don’t need to search for it because it’s magically there at any time…..waiting to be accepted as a gift.

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Filed under Love, Mindfulness, Motherhood, Nonduality, Seeker, Spirituality, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Unconditional love

Home is…?

For those of us who are seekers or ex-seekers, the word Home is one of those words used in an effort to relate a state of Being. I’ve looked up the definition of Home and some I liked were:

  • A place where one dwells permanently.
  • Social unit formed by a family living together.
  • An environment offering affection and security.

Our physical home may or may not fit those definitions but almost everyone has their own concept of the word Home. I like the last word of the first definition…”permanently”.  In a world of impermanence, we could use the word Home interchangeably with the Absolute (where one dwells permanently).  You are already Home…it’s not about how to get there, not about waiting for it to open its doors and welcome you in.

The word homesick is defined as “sad or depressed from a longing for home while away from it for a long time”.  When we are not present, we all suffer from homesickness which can manifest in many forms with the symptoms and cures being discussed and analyzed endlessly.

I’ve read that your physical home is a reflection of your inner home.  Now that’s an interesting concept. Is it aesthetically appealing, is it secure, is it chaotic, does it need attention, is it in need of repair? If it is perfect in every way, are you content?

“Home is where the heart is”.  The earliest author given credit for that quote is Pliny the Elder AD 23-79.    I guess none of this is exactly a new concept.

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Shall We Pray…..

I’ve been a pray-er for as long as I can remember.  As soon as I became aware that there was a power in charge and there was a possibility of a direct line to that power, I was all in.

Who I pray to and how I pray has taken different forms throughout the years depending on the spiritual practice I was involved in at the time.  I’ve gone from simple praying to a personal God figure for help to a more cerebral kind of praying to a scientific quantum level of connectedness.

Praying to myself seemed strange so I used the mantra “Om Namah Shivaya” during meditation which means  I honor the divinity within myself.  However, that also plays to the illusion of calling forth something for guidance and help that is hiding out someplace waiting for permission to show up.  Now that I’m drawn to nonduality…who am I praying to?

Even tho prayer is not a major part of my life like it once was, I still like the connectedness and need to stop analyzing it and just enjoy the silent conversation….with whatever it is….

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Spiritual Hypocrisy

Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite. I see myself as a spiritual person, a seeker possessing some clarity and think I have life in perspective.  All this is easy and flowing when my life is easy and flowing. It’s when life brings me difficult situations that I pull out all of the tricks in my “awareness/enlightenment bag”.

I’m in a difficult situation now caring for a parent and all thoughts unpleasant are arising from the past. I want to be the spiritual me and see the situation as growth, a challenge, opportunity, practice, learning compassion, staying with the here and now, integrating the past, acceptance, what is.  All the words and concepts help when I’m away from the situation but when I am immersed in it….they are not to be found. Emotions are set in the default mode and don’t respond to reason.

During these times I want to whip out my bag of tricks to help get to a place of peace and clarity.  I need to meditate, I need to do more yoga, I need to drink alkaline water, I need to eat more organic foods, I need to stay in the here and now, the past does not define me….anything to help.

Maybe the conditionings of the past will never leave…maybe this is who I really am…and the spiritual me is the illusion.  These are the thoughts that scare me the most.

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