Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite. I see myself as a spiritual person, a seeker possessing some clarity and think I have life in perspective. All this is easy and flowing when my life is easy and flowing. It’s when life brings me difficult situations that I pull out all of the tricks in my “awareness/enlightenment bag”.
I’m in a difficult situation now caring for a parent and all thoughts unpleasant are arising from the past. I want to be the spiritual me and see the situation as growth, a challenge, opportunity, practice, learning compassion, staying with the here and now, integrating the past, acceptance, what is. All the words and concepts help when I’m away from the situation but when I am immersed in it….they are not to be found. Emotions are set in the default mode and don’t respond to reason.
During these times I want to whip out my bag of tricks to help get to a place of peace and clarity. I need to meditate, I need to do more yoga, I need to drink alkaline water, I need to eat more organic foods, I need to stay in the here and now, the past does not define me….anything to help.
Maybe the conditionings of the past will never leave…maybe this is who I really am…and the spiritual me is the illusion. These are the thoughts that scare me the most.
The Retired Seeker 
You are not a hypocrite… you are human. The Spiritual path is a hard one… because it asks us to take a long, hard look at ourselves. What you are experienceing, I would say, is Truth: You are both the Spiritual, and the Emotional. None but a practised Buddhist living on a peaceful mountainside can switch off their emotions!
This being both is not hypocritical – it is the Yin-Yang of Life.
Blessings be to you.
Your comment is very much appreciated. Accepting both aspects of myself is harder in actual practice. I have a tendency to beat myself up for what I perceive as nonspiritual thoughts. Thanks so much.
It sounds like a really challenging difficult time for you, I would think it is quite normal to have some definite unspiritual thoughts. I don’t know if the conditioning of the past does ever leave completely, it seems to continue to arise in a variety of ways and especially in troubling times. Be kind to yourself 🙂
Best…Erin
Thank you for your kind comment. I appreciate reassuring thoughts. I am grateful that I started this blog.,,,,Much better than therapy. 🙂
No problem. I know what you mean about better than therapy 🙂 I started my blog to track my “spiritual progress” and found so much more in a spiritual community of other seekers.
I feel hypocrisy would be a false judgment here. Your taking care of someone in spite of the troubling thoughts involved, rather noble my friend.
Your comment means a lot. I know these things but still get wrapped up in the harsh judgments…confirmation from others is a blessing. Thanks so much.
Two words: Self Compassion. 🙂
I love you. 🙂
Thanks for those two words and your love… 🙂
As I go through similar ‘phases’ I find that each time I travel from one to the other I am (or my faith is, or my spirituality is) a little stronger… sort of like when swimming as a kid and going underwater — the more we hold our breath under water, the longer we can hold it… not a great example, but I think you’ll get it… anyway, I think that is part of what this life is about… 🙂
I agree… Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate your thoughts.
Greetings! I happened upon your blog through another blog and have poked around reading. I appreciate the honesty in your posts! This one struck me as I was in the same situation in my past. I would like to invite you to my blog to read a particular post called “From Cocoon To Butterfly”. It is on the right in the recent post list and I think it will speak to you and hopefully help you with your thoughts. Feel free to explore, as it is my passion to help where my words can! Many Blessings to you!
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I read your post “From Cocoon to Butterfly” and thought it was a beautiful way to express how transformation can take place even under the most stressed situations. Thanks for your thoughtfulness.
Thank you and Most Welcome. Blessings to you!
You are human and in your writing I see a beautiful person…hang in there!!!!