Category Archives: Seeker

I’ve Had It…But Can’t Keep It

It’s been a long time since I have posted anything here.  I know that I’m supposed to be a retired seeker but I fell off the wagon and have been obsessed with reading, listening to videos, seeking for something that is almost within my grasp. These spiritual binges usually start when I come across a spiritual teacher who resonates with me at this particular time and seems to be transmitting exactly what I need to hear.  I keep reading and listening because the missing piece that I need to keep this spiritual light glowing might just be in the next book or video.

Most seekers know the old “I’ve had it – but can’t keep it” feeling so the goal is to find the missing piece of the puzzle that tells you how to keep it so there will be an end to seeking and living in a state of bliss will be your norm.  That’s just it, seeking with a goal in mind….seeking with an urgency that something else is about to dawn and everything will be cleared up once and for all.

So after almost two months, I realize that the addicted seeker is still alive and active.  The addicted seeker is always seeking a different experience than what is happening right now.  Don’t get me wrong….I love seeking for Truth and love the way it makes me feel and experience life but now I can see the difference between an addicted seeker and a lover of Truth with more clarity.

The addicted seeker is driven by the desire to re-experience the pleasure achieved through a spiritual experience similar to any addict wanting to have another pleasurable experience. A lover of Truth is not driven to find some missing link that will keep the enlightened state active. A lover of Truth is not looking for anything…only experiencing.

The experience of “I’ve got it and I lost it” is a very, very valuable experience for the spiritual seeker……..But after living this I-got-it-I-lost-it swing, eventually that me stops believing its own delusion.  Something starts to see through it, recognizing that this isn’t freedom………Always waiting for the next experience is bondage.” ~ Adyashanti

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Filed under Direct Experience, Enlightenment, Freedom, Mind, Nonduality, Seeker, Spirituality, Truth

Upside Down…You’re Turnin’ Me

I had the basic concepts of most seekers on Oneness, Consciousness, Absolute, Awareness and thought I was moving along the Path, slowly but starting to get it. Now I realize that the ideas that formed those concepts of reality are outdated and a new paradigm has begun which is turning everything upside down and creating a shift in perception.

My old paradigm was…I’m here inside this body and the world and others are out there.  I accepted that because my belief was that the me inside was a fragment of the Absolute/Awareness/Consciousness and was safely contained in my body/mind and would show up now and then just to remind me where I came from.  My search was to find ways to call up that contained Awareness on demand because that was where happiness and peace resided….and that wonderful thing called enlightenment.

The new paradigm (which is still in progress) is …who I am is not contained inside this body/mind. Sounds like a simple statement and I have said that for years but still held the feeling of being a separate fragment or person.   In order to accept this new paradigm as Truth, more investigation into what I am “not” is needed…mainly not this person that seems to be contained in this body/mind. Just that simple investigation can turn everything upside down.  Better still is rolling around the notion that objects only “seem” to exist outside of awareness and that the observed and observer are one and the same.  My mind would like to make sense of that one but probably doesn’t have the capability and keeps trying to figure it out anyway….meanwhile my idea of reality is turning upside down.

This song started playing in my mind a few days ago as if I were singing it to the Absolute itself so I found the lyrics to “Upside Down, You’re Turnin’ Me” which sums up my feelings at this point.

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Filed under Absolute, Direct Experience, Direct Inquiry, Enlightenment, Mind, Nonduality, Reality, Seeker, Spirituality, Truth, Zen

The Hidden Image in the Picture

I started this blog when I began the process of retiring from the search and I have to admit that over the last year there has still been more seeking than non-seeking going on. Nonduality has been my focus and naturally coming out of that is a different kind of seeking, the seeking of direct experience or direct inquiry.

I still hold the assumption that there is someone in here experiencing things and people out there.  I have accomplished being the witness of thoughts and things (most of the time) but now what is behind the witness has been my question.  Direct experience may be what will eventually replace the witness but letting the witness go is difficult and requires a shift in perception.

This shift in perception reminds me of  illusionary art called stereograms where a 3D image is hidden within a drawing and you can only see the hidden image if you learn to re-focus your gaze.  When you finally see it, it magically appears out of nothing.  Most instructions tell you not to focus on the picture but fix your gaze beyond it.   I was never good at finding the hidden images.

I recently reintroduced myself to the teachings of Francis Lucille which led me to again consider the Direct Path experiments by Greg Goode.  Maybe the timing is right to get down to some serious direct experience investigation so a few days ago I started the experiments which seem to be similar to learning to look through the illusion and see the hidden images.

The first experiment in the Direct Path involves the perception of hearing because it’s supposed to be the easiest.   During the experiment of ringing a bell, at first the sound still seems to be coming from the object of the bell and I can’t get past that.  Looking closer…since I am to use only the sense of hearing I just hear the sound without the interpreter telling me that the sound is coming from a bell.    Maybe that’s it…my direct experience is that hearing is just happening with or without the use of an interpreter.

One experiment down and 39 more to go….This could be intense but I’ll keep you posted.  If there is anyone else out there who has already been on this part of journey and the hidden image in the picture has appeared, please let me know.

There’s supposed to be a shark hidden in here somewhere…I can’t see it yet.

File:Stereogram Tut Random Dot Shark.png

Photo Credit: Wikipedia

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Filed under Direct Experience, Direct Inquiry, Enlightenment, Nonduality, Reality, Seeker, Spirituality, Thoughts, Truth, Zen

Nobody’s Mother

I always think of the women who are not mothers on Mother’s Day.  I was not a mother until I was 41 years old so I spent many a Mother’s Day helping others celebrate their motherhood.

Not having children didn’t bother me in my 20s, no need to hurry although some of my friends were beginning to join the motherhood group.  In my late 30s I began to realize that I may go through my life without children. I was once told that having children was a blessing and not having children was to live by grace.  I didn’t understand that at the time and thought it was an attempt to make me feel better about my perceived lack caused by not being a mother.

Having experienced both being a mother and many years not being a mother, I can say that motherhood may be a more direct path to realizing unconditional love. I was always searching for unconditional love and thought I’d experienced it a few times but now it’s evident that I didn’t have to search for it, it was given to me.  Whether you are a mother or not, unconditional love is a gift.  You don’t need to search for it because it’s magically there at any time…..waiting to be accepted as a gift.

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Filed under Love, Mindfulness, Motherhood, Nonduality, Seeker, Spirituality, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Unconditional love

Home is…?

For those of us who are seekers or ex-seekers, the word Home is one of those words used in an effort to relate a state of Being. I’ve looked up the definition of Home and some I liked were:

  • A place where one dwells permanently.
  • Social unit formed by a family living together.
  • An environment offering affection and security.

Our physical home may or may not fit those definitions but almost everyone has their own concept of the word Home. I like the last word of the first definition…”permanently”.  In a world of impermanence, we could use the word Home interchangeably with the Absolute (where one dwells permanently).  You are already Home…it’s not about how to get there, not about waiting for it to open its doors and welcome you in.

The word homesick is defined as “sad or depressed from a longing for home while away from it for a long time”.  When we are not present, we all suffer from homesickness which can manifest in many forms with the symptoms and cures being discussed and analyzed endlessly.

I’ve read that your physical home is a reflection of your inner home.  Now that’s an interesting concept. Is it aesthetically appealing, is it secure, is it chaotic, does it need attention, is it in need of repair? If it is perfect in every way, are you content?

“Home is where the heart is”.  The earliest author given credit for that quote is Pliny the Elder AD 23-79.    I guess none of this is exactly a new concept.

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Shall We Pray…..

I’ve been a pray-er for as long as I can remember.  As soon as I became aware that there was a power in charge and there was a possibility of a direct line to that power, I was all in.

Who I pray to and how I pray has taken different forms throughout the years depending on the spiritual practice I was involved in at the time.  I’ve gone from simple praying to a personal God figure for help to a more cerebral kind of praying to a scientific quantum level of connectedness.

Praying to myself seemed strange so I used the mantra “Om Namah Shivaya” during meditation which means  I honor the divinity within myself.  However, that also plays to the illusion of calling forth something for guidance and help that is hiding out someplace waiting for permission to show up.  Now that I’m drawn to nonduality…who am I praying to?

Even tho prayer is not a major part of my life like it once was, I still like the connectedness and need to stop analyzing it and just enjoy the silent conversation….with whatever it is….

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Filed under Absolute, Enlightenment, Nonduality, Pointers, Prayer, Seeker, Spirituality, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Original Sin

I never understood the Christian idea of original sin and the concept that we are all sinners until I heard a theology professor interpret sin as simply a pulling away from God. Through our human conditioning, we perceive ourselves as separate individuals and lose touch with our connection to Oneness which causes suffering.

To use the much over-used metaphor of the wave and the ocean, we could say that when we are only aware of being the wave, that could be interpreted as living in sin.  When we are aware that we are the entire ocean perceiving ourselves as the wave, we are saved.

For the last few weeks I have not been able to do some of my regular spiritual practices or reading and find that I feel more like an isolated wave than the ocean.  Things don’t seem quite right.  I’m aware that my thinking is different, my body feels more tense, my mind works overtime and my peace is fading.

Does it take constant vigilance and effort to ride the wave and enjoy the ride?  At some point shouldn’t the ride become effortless?

The definition of sin is a transgression or violation of divine law.  The story goes that we are all born with original sin, there is no escape unless we receive the holy spirit (or whatever the tide-turning event may be).

As a seeker I guess I have been looking for the holy spirit in one form or another….calling it many names.  Maybe the answer is just to accept that the nature of a wave is to appear to be separate from the ocean on the surface….underneath there is no difference.

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The Master of Waiting

This morning there was a broad-winged hawk sitting on the back fence.  I kept an eye on him while I was busy in the kitchen and after an hour realized he must be patiently waiting for the little chipmunk that travels back and forth from the shed to the bird feeders.

Yesterday two bloggers I follow had written on the art of waiting,  “The Path of Waiting” and “Relaxed Resistance” so I was already contemplating the practice of mindful waiting.   Now here I am watching the patience of the hunter in action.  The only movement was the turning of his head almost in a complete circle.  I noticed there were no birds at the feeders, there were no small critters running around, all probably waiting for him to leave.  Two hours went by, he had not moved and continued to wait.

I became interested in what type of hawk this was, so I called up my bird app and stood at the window with binoculars identifying markings, reading about its habits and what it eats.  When I glanced down at my tablet, I heard a thump, looked up and saw a red cardinal hit the window. Coming up behind the cardinal was the hawk showing a huge wing span and within two feet of me grabbed it with both feet and flew off.  He carried it to the fence, landed for a moment, then took off into the woods.

A two-hour wait would have seemed excessive to me but I’m sure the hawk didn’t have to worry about keeping a clear mind, being anxious with anticipation or have any impatient thoughts about when this would be over ….all he had to do was wait.

I had just watched the master of waiting, the champion of patience and his reward….but my heart went out to the cardinal.

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Filed under Mindfulness, Nonduality, Patience, Seeker, Thoughts

Thoughts are also That

I recently commented to a couple bloggers on the subject of thoughts which made me realize how my own understanding of thoughts has changed over the years.  I commented that thoughts are also “That” and when I begin to analyze them or try to control them…I am creating a separation.

The study of thoughts has always been of interest and a large part of my seeking to include analyzing them which is never ending and controlling them which is frustrating.  I thought I had it when I discovered that I could  be the “witness” observing my thoughts…there it was…I was not my thoughts and didn’t have to take responsibility for them, just watch them go by like clouds in the sky.

Now I am realizing that the notion of “I am not my thoughts” is also separation. I have to admit that seeing the clarity of “thoughts are also That” doesn’t give me a sense of freedom yet but is still a work in progress.  However, there is a sense of relief that comes from not always analyzing where thoughts come from and wondering why they can be so annoying….. but that they are just as much a part of me as my breath or my heartbeat.

I’ll probably always be interested in thoughts and will continue to watch and get involved with them but now they are considered to be who I am and I’m not struggling so much with them.  Now maybe I can see life through my thoughts rather than perceive life as my thoughts.

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Nothing Personal

Why do bad things happen to good people is a question that generates a variety of concepts each constructing a solution to the fairness of life dilemma and how judgments of good and bad are to be made. When circumstances are examined closely there seems to be no direct evidence that there is a method of fairness existing here.  It certainly isn’t very comforting to maintain that stuff just happens, that there is no system of justice operating and we are all just here until we’re not.

Strange as it seems, this question arises for me when I look at a windshield splattered with remnants of what used to be a bug.  The bug was just flying along enjoying the day, not a care in the world and then in the blink of an eye it’s just bug juice on a windshield.  We think nothing of it, it just happened and that’s a bug’s life…. no plan, no justice, just happening, nothing personal about the bug’s life.

Of course, it appears that a human life is much more personal than a bug’s life because we’re so entwined with complex characteristics, memories and relationships.   I like the idea that my life is personal and important with purpose and would like to hold on to that idea.  However, nothing really makes sense to me except that the bug’s life is no less or no more important to the Absolute than my life….it’s really nothing personal….

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